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The Funny Bride Guide: A very humorous, but practical guide for the bride! Gift Receiving Tips

No, Really, Thank YOU!

In the midst of preparing for your wedding, don't forget to prepare for another crucial part of the festivities: the shower! What is most difficult is figuring out exactly what to say while all eyes are upon you. Fortunately, your self-proclaimed marital mentors at The Funny Bride Guide are here to help with advice and tips on how to sail through this process glamorously and effortlessly, even when you've just unwrapped that third ice cream maker. Of course, to be fully prepared for your shower, you'll have to buy the book--but just to get you started, here are a few graceful responses to some of the types of gifts you will receive:

Not Quite Right

``A Crock Pot! They still make these? How retro! You are so hip and trendy. I can put it on slow cook tonight and have dinner ready upon our return from the honeymoon.''

Not Quite Sure...

You've opened a gift, and you don't know what it is. It looks like a silver fan on a silver stick. How do you address the problem? Your heart is racing; you become flushed. Suddenly one of your guests tugs on her ear, giving you a signal (sounds like, sounds like). She begins flying around the room like a fairy.

Could this be charades and she's trying to help you? Fairy? Fairy? Berry? Berry! Could it be a BERRY SPOON? Of course! ``Thank you! My Cheerios will appreciate the delicate dispersal of berries upon them with this lovely spoon!''

Redundant

1. ``Look at this ice cream maker! Yummy, yummy! I've always wanted one of these! Why take five minutes to pick up a pint of Haagen-Dazs when you can spend half a day with one of these? What a fun gift, thanks!''

2. ``Get a load of this! Another ice cream maker! This is great! Since I'll be spending half a day making ice cream, I may as well make two flavors. This is just two, too wonderful!''

3. ``Guess what? Another ice cream maker! Hey, Ben and Jerry started with about the same amount of equipment and now look at them, bazillionaires! Right after the wedding I'll test my entrepreneurial skills as a top-notch ice cream maker. I'll make lots of money and retire in five years. My children's college education will be secured and my husband and I will be sipping mai-tais on the beach. I want to thank all three of you again for your wonderful gifts. You and the ice cream makers have changed my life.'' (Start crying now.)

Repulsive

``A crocheted doll toilet paper cover! Look how pretty she is! She's a little toilet paper princess! She'll keep my extra toilet paper dust-free and sanitary. Really...thank you!''

Miscellaneous

``A candle snuffer! Now here's a practical gift. And ooh! What a handy item after a power outage. 'Honey, get the candle snuffer, the lights are back on!' What a luxury. Thank you so much!''

There's one last package and it's the biggest of them all. The crowd waits with bated breath. You tear off the paper to expose the largest, most colorful crushed velvet replica of the "Last Supper" that you've ever seen. Should you be Jewish and at a loss for words, exclaim:``What a nice picture! I'll hang it above my menorah.''